Make your marriage stronger by splitting the mental load

One of the most persistent and thorny issues in any marriage is the division of labor. It's understandable, just trying to keep up in the modern world when juggling a job, things that need to be done around the home, and the dozens of other obligations that fill a week is difficult enough. Throw in the responsibilities of caring for a spouse, children, pets, and even aging parents, and things can quickly become overwhelming. 

That's why it's essential that both parties share the burden of the household and do their equal part to keep things going smoothly. Most modern marriages recognize this and try to keep things even between both spouses.

The tricky thing is, it can be superficially easy to appear like you're doing your part when you're really not. When you divide tasks up like "make dinner,” "take trash out,” "mow the lawn” it can seem easy to just break them down and pass them out in equal measure. But things aren't nearly as simple as that.

For someone to make dinner, that means someone else has to hit the grocery store. Which also means someone needs to make a list. Which also means someone has to plan out the meals for the week. For someone to take the trash out, they need to go through the rest of the house and make sure everyone has emptied their bins. They also need to remember to clean out the fridge for any leftovers turned science experiments. Then the paper and plastic have to be sorted so you don't get another nasty note from the recycling guy. For someone to mow the lawn, they need to make sure the lawn mower has gas, that the kids have been cleaning up after the dog like they're supposed to, and they get home early enough to mow before the municipal bylaws say they can't.

A task is never just one simple action, it almost always involves a number of other steps that also need to be considered. 

This is called the "mental load.” It's the constant ongoing metal strain of keeping everything organized and ready to go. Too often, this burden is considered the responsibility of one person, while the other just takes care of the jobs they're asked to.

There is a reason managers always seem stressed out. Keeping track of everything is difficult work.

That's why as partners, you need to both take the initiative and make sure you're carrying your part of the load. Here are some ways to do that.

A little mindfulness goes a long way. Instead of waiting to be asked to grab some plates out of the cupboard and set the table, do it in advance during a slow period during the cooking. You know the plates are going to need to go on the table sooner or later, by doing it early and without being asked you're not just getting it done, you're making sure it gets down without getting in the way and making each others jobs harder. 

One of the thing that places stress on a marriage is the feeling of being taken for granted. Anticipating needs rather than responding doesn't just help get the chores done faster and easier, it also shows your partner that you care, that you're a team.

I've known a lot of married couples who divide their labor based on who "knows” how to do each job, even when it doesn't make a lot of sense. Just because the wife in a relationship is the one that normally does the cooking, it doesn't make sense to expect her to still do it on a day when she's super busy while the husband has the day off. Nor is it fair if the husband always takes care of all the bills and paperwork for the entire house since "he knows that stuff.”

What happens when one of you gets sick? Or injured? Or has to deal with a more important issue? That's when things break down. Sure, you could limp through the occasional night with take-out or let a due date slip just once on a bill, but in a real partnership, that doesn't need to happen.

If you don't know how to do something, ask your spouse to teach you. Not only will you both be ready to handle anything in case the other is disposed, but you'll both have a better appreciation for the work you both do and what's involved.

Following the above advice, it should be easier and easier to reorganize how you handle things around the home. By splitting the mental load, anticipating rather than reacting, and teaching each other, you'll both be more capable and understanding. When a situation arises and one of you needs to pick up a little extra slack or trade-off jobs, it won't be a daunting and unfamiliar situation. You'll be able to slip right in, handle the situation, and keep things running smoothly.