What to do when your child comes to you with doubts

 

As a parent, your children's spiritual journey is always going to be important to you. Like any good Christian parent, you'll take your kids to Sunday school, you'll pray at dinner time, read the bible with them, and hopefully, demonstrate your own faith through the example you set.

Even still, there is going to come a time when your children develop their own ideas about what they've been taught. When doubt creeps in and they start to ask questions about God that might be uncomfortable. 

Don't worry. This is a natural part of growing up and learning. What is important is that you are prepared to answer these questions and provide the guidance your child needs.

When you think of a child experiencing doubt, it's easy to picture a surly teenager acting out, or a new college experiencing their first nights out on their own. You might think you have plenty of time before you have to deal with that kind of young adult experiencing, but those are just cliches. Never underestimate the curiosity and imagination of a young child and their thirst for knowledge. It's not uncommon for elementary aged children to experience their first moments of doubt or questioning.

Think about it from a child's perspective, they're encouraged to always seek knowledge and ask questions, from what they learn in school, to what they see in the neighborhood. Their world is constantly being expanded and reinvented by new information. It's only natural that they will sooner or later apply the same thoughts towards their spiritual beliefs.

Doubts and questions about God, the bible, and the great mystery of the afterlife, are not a matter of if, but when. In fact, some of these issues are so common, you can even prepare for them in advance so you're not caught off guard in the moment.

Anticipate and prepare for some of the most common questions your children might have. These questions are not particularly difficult to predict, they are some of the same quandaries even mature Christians grapple with. Things like "If God loves us and is all powerful, why do bad things happen?” "Why doesn't God always answer our prayers?” "Is there really a hell?” And so on. Do a little homework, and have some responses ready to go for these kinds of inevitable questions.

Nobody knows all the answers, and the idea isn't to trick your children into thinking you do. But being able to address their concerns in a confident, capable manner will help reassure your kids when they come to you for guidance. 

Better than just having the right answers for your children, ask the right questions to them in return. Simple questions such as "what makes you feel that way?” or "what do you think?” can go a long way when your child is grappling with their first theological concerns. Sometimes just by prompting your children to a little more thought, they can find the answers all by themselves. You can be fancy and call this the "Socratic Method” if you like, or you can just call it having a conversation.

One thing to remember is that a conversation is a respectful two-way street. Converse to inform and discuss the ideas, not to "correct” your children. Given the stakes involved,  your first reaction might be to try and "counter” any kind of doubt. But don't start in with an immediate barrage of corrections, arguments, and proclamations. All that is going to do is make your child feel like they can't bring these issues up or express those feelings to you. If they get the sense they've said something "wrong,” they're not going to want to bring it up again, which means you'll never get another shot to understand their doubts or provide guidance.

The phrase "teachable moment” can be kind of trite, but that's what these moments are. They are a chance to learn and grow together, child and parent, as more thoughtful and considered Christians. Don't squander them.

Above all, when your child comes to you with a tough question about faith, don't panic. This is not a sign that you've done something wrong as a parent, or that you've somehow failed to instill the proper values in them. When your child comes to you with their doubts, it is a good thing.

First of all, it shows who's opinion they value. Many doubts are fostered by outside factors, school peers, TV shows, YouTube personalities making cracks about "dumb Christians” and so on. Rather than just accept those opinions at face value, your child has decided to come to you to help them sort it out. That's them looking for solid ground, for a sounding board. If they feel safe enough to do that with you, I'd say that's a pretty good sign that you've done your job as a parent.

It also means your child's worldview is maturing, that they are intellectually growing. Having questions is perfectly normal, in fact, it should be encouraged. What is faith without challenge? What is belief without a little introspection? When your kids come to you with big questions, that means they are thinking big thoughts.

Your reaction to their questions will inform how they feel, so stay calm. Don't get flustered or appear agitated or (worse) angry at their questions. Take the time to listen to them, allow the space and freedom to get whatever is bothering them off their chest. Then, discuss the issue with them, provide answers where you can, admit when you're not sure. If things are not resolved by the end of the conversation, don't panic, you can always revisit the topic later when you have both had some time to think.

Approach these questions calmly and with confidence, and your children will not only feel validated and reassured, but ready to tackle even thornier topics. Your answers today will help prepare them for tomorrow.